Simon

Simon…..Mike Myers


[ open on montage of Simon'south drawings ]

Jingle: "Well, you know my proper name is Simon
and I like to practice drawerings.
I like to describe all day long
and so come up and do drawerings with me.
Come and practise drawerings with me!"

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to encounter the audience ]

Simon: How-do-you-do! My proper noun is Simon! I like to exercise drawerings! I'm having my bath now! Every day at five, a lady comes and bathes me! don't expect at my bum! Don't look at my bum! I don't look at your bum, bum-looker! Derisive monkey! Where was I? Oh, yep. I like to exercise drawerings! My Daddy works for a big American company – he's always so dainty! He travels all aorund the world, and he always takes me with him! Every day he goes to work, and every solar day I stay in the hotel and do drawerings! At night, he tucks me in and says, "Are you lot my little Simon?" And I say, "I am!" And so, in the morning, he says, "Are you still my piffling Simon?" And I say, "I still am!" And then he goes to work, and the cycle continues! And then you come across, I get to run into a lot of him.. although, sometimes, I recall he forgets he has a little boy. But still, he buys me whatsoever toy I want! Once, he bought me Action Man, which is like the British version of M.I. Joe, except that Action Human being has to serve in Northern Ireland!

Do you lot want to come across a drawering of my Daddy? Do you, do you? You do! [ takes out drawing ] Hither he is! Information technology's my Dad – by himself, without his son, every bit usual. I can drawer him in twelve strokes! I've been effectually the globe with my Daddy – Paris, Cairo, New York, the Soviet Union.. I can take you there right now, with my drawerings, if you similar! Around the world in seventy strokes! Do you lot desire to come with me? Exercise you? Practice you? [ audition applauds ] You lot're e'er so nice! [ pulls out drawing of Paris, every bit seen from inside a hotel room ] Alright, this is Paris, alright? The Urban center of Light. We had a corking hotel room, with a bang-up view! In that location's the Eiffel Tower, at that place'southward the Arc de Triomphe. Alright, then.. [ bends back to grab drawing of Cairo from the hotel room ] Don't await at my bum! I caught you sneaking a peak, cheeky monkeys, all of you! [ holds up Cairo drawing ] Hither's Cairo! Nosotros had a not bad hotel room, 'cause they were ever giving the states grapes! I love grapes! Grapes' my favorite food, it'due south what Tarzan would eat! THere's the Pyramids. [ reaches back, property his gaze on the audition ] And, finally.. bum-looker! [ holds up cartoon of New York ] Finally, hither'due south New York! I didn't like New York – people were always washing windows.. and when you could see out, all you could see was across the street to another building. Daddy says it's the financial capitol of the world, where people'due south lives are bought and sold every day like, then much human cattle! But all I could come across were other windows! I remember New York is vastly overrated.

[ chimes sound ]

Oh! It'south time for letters! Bright! Okay, the kickoff letter is from John Proctor, from Betchley-Upon-Thump in Yorkshire.. [ prove letter ] ..and he writes: "Dear Simon, How come we never run across your Mummy?" Well.. Daddy said Mummy'due south with the angels. I used to exist able to draw my Mummy at nine strokes, but I can't recollect what her face looks similar whatsoever more.. Oh, don't be sad! You lot tin can't be sad! It gives me great creative license! I could puts horns on her, put wheels on her, make her xx feet tall! Who'due south to know! The side by side letter is from Robin Hughes, from Llandudno-Gloch-Lluwellan-Llwichy-Llan, which I believe is in Wales! [ testify alphabetic character ] And she writes: "Dear Simon, Why are all your drawerings from hotel rooms?" Well, Robin, as you can imagine, I become asked that question a lot! The reason is: I never go out of the hotel room! One of the ladies who bathes me said a word: "neglect". Simply I'm not sure what that means.

Well, it's itme to become, I'chiliad starting to become prune easily! I can't exercise my drawerings when I've got clip easily! Pretty soon, Lumella, the lady who bathes me, is gonna come up in and make sure I done everywhere, especially my bits and pieces! Cheeky monkey! Alright, goodbye everybody, farewell!

[ Simon finishes bathing, every bit scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon's drawings ]

Jingle: "Well, you know my name is Simon
and I similar to do drawerings."

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Sat Night Alive. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020. View all posts by Don Roy Rex